Wonderings and Wanderings

2012
Funny, how weird, unexpected stuff comes up in writing, man. I'm, like, sitting there writing, and I have no idear why the story comes up to a certain place and there's a hole in the sky. It's not a hole that anybody can see (except for the main character's psychic cat). Now I'm like dude. I almost didn't put it in, but the cat told me that there're lots of holes in the universe, and it just sort of made sense to me somehow. So I stuck it in there. I'm a little worried about sticking an image into a story that may relate to nothing else at all in the story. Then again, there may be some point later on in the story when I realize how a hole in the sky applies to the rest of the story. I left it in there, y'know, cuz it seemed like a good thing at the time. Sometimes it's those things that make no sense at all that're really nice to leave in there for the very reason that they make no sense. Y'know. It's, like, okay, this image is coming outta somewhere that my logical-verbal-thought-poopy brain doesn't have much access to and the like.

I've thought about how lots of people are thirsting for the end of the world, and I keep on wondering why, cuz it seems like it's something that'd scare lots of people. Then I thought about it some more, and realized that when people talk about the end of the world, they usually mean the end of humans, y'know. I thought, why'd that be good for people? But, then I thought about how humans are pretty gosh darn fucking miserable, what with their dumb, stupid ego and the way we make ourselves miserable in ways other animals don't seem to, and I thought, okay, that's the part that people want to die. That part of ourselves that makes itself miserable (I'd call it what others call "consciousness," but I think a lot of people'd get mad and yell at me if I said that out loud). I'm, like, yeah, that's what it is. The way stupid dumb human consciousness separates itself out from everything else (this is sort of an oversimplification), that's what we all want to die, and that's why we want the end o' the world to come. Cool, man, cool. Although, I'm guessing there's a way to kill that part of ourselves without necessarily having to kill humanity, in general. You'll probably end up with a nicer species.

More NaNoWriMo Stuff. People get tired of hearing about it every November.
Here's my NaNoWriMo profile:

Favorite writers: Ursula LeGuin; Um, that one guy

Favorite music: Nuthin', it's too distracting.

Non-noveling interests: Music (writing and playing), crocheting weird-ass stuff

Joined: October 17, 2006

Brief Author Bio: My life is kind of dumb, but it's a nice thing, in terms of writing, cuz it inspires me to write about characters who also have dumb life stories.

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The last, I dunno how many days I've been writing for nanowrimo and you know how that is, when the writing just ain't flowing and it's like you're just passing a giant turd or something like that. But, it's odd cuz I'll re-read some parts, and, like, it's not too bad. It's a lot better than it feels. I dunno. why is that? It's like, there're times I feel totally in the flow, and I read the writing and it sounds stilted and dumb, and other times when the writing is like trying to lift a hundred pound bag and when I read it, it actually ain't that bad. Then again, I had a writing teacher who once said "fuck the flow," cuz he's more into doing the exercises he taught, which isn't very flowwwy. He had these step-by-step instructions, you know, that you followed, these writing exercises that you did. And it really did make for some effective writing. I dunno. I'm babbling. I'm flowingly babbling.

Good Ole MethylMelaToninQuin
I tried Melatonin for the first time last night cuz it takes a while to fall asleep these days, and people've told me it helps you sleeeep, nice deep sleeeeep, and it also give you funky dreams, which sounded kind of cool. Strange-o, man, cuz it still took me a long time to fall asleep, and when I did, the dreams I had were so violent, man!!!! Fucking bloody gory, horror-movie-level-violence-dreams. I don't remember any of them, but I kept on waking up and going, "really?" Well, the violent ones were the lighter stages of sleep, and the REM stage dreams were just really super vivid and strange-o, without being violent. I dunno, man. It made me think of a friend from a long time ago who took methylquin (however that's spelled), that anti-malaria medication. She said she had these really bloody, violent dreams, but as she dreamed 'em, she viewed 'em with a sense o' detachment. I'm like, yeah, that's about what happened to me last night. Ah well, I guess my brain ain't wired like other folks's cuz I don't think other people have such freaky ass scary dreams when they take Melatonin. Shoot, man. I don't really wanna have nightmares, so I probably won't take the stuff anymore. I'll go back to Benadryl as a nice sleep-aid, yeah, that sounds good to me.

Funny how there's so much insomnia these days. It makes me think of how fucked up our world is that nobody can sleep anymore. Or maybe people can sleep, but I'm just not talking to the ones who can. That could be it, yesiree.

Doggie
Wednesdays are weird days, cuz on the one hand, they're fairly light, but on the other hand, that can change in an instant, and someone can come and say here's this crisis, this nice fire for you to put out. Poopity poop. That microsoft search doggie keeps on acting cute, and I wanna pet him, even though I guess he's sort of a robot. But, a robot who cocks his head and wags his tail and wants to be all helpful and cute. Alas. I read an article online that said that cats can catch the swine flu. I'm all, nooooooooooooo! I don't want one extra thing to worry about! My poor little poonumses. I'm always real careful about washing my hands when I come home after bein' out in public so I don't get germs on them. Now I'm gonna have to wash 'em with super-powerful disinfectant, alcohol-based super-germ-killing solution, and the like. Man. I don't feel like working. I feel all tired and spaced out, and, oh! The little microsoft doggie just sat down!!!!!!!! He's so cute! Now he's holding a bone in his mouth. He just put it down and he's smiling at me and wagging his tail. Gee, I wonder who programmed that little doggie? My mac doesn't have a cute doggie on it. It has, wait, what does it have? I think it's a computer that stands on feet, and it ain't as cute. It's an old mac. I don't know what the newer macs have.

Strange-o
I got a little over 8,000 words written now for my nice li'l NaNoWriMo part-of-a-novel. It's funny, cuz the first day always feels more brilliant than the 2nd day. Or maybe not. I'm trying to remember years past. But today was good cuz it was stuff that moves the plot along, and that's a good thing. I just found out my next door neighbor is somebody I already know! Like, whoah, man, whoah! She calls my name cuz we go to (or went to) the same school and we knew each other from before I moved back. She's all, oh I live over there. And I'm all yeah, that's my building there. She asks what number I live in, and it turns out she's right next door! I'm like, dude. Cuz, like, it's funny, cuz I always thought, wow, it's nice that neighbor over there is so quiet. Funny, funny, funny. I mean, it's great to have quiet neighbors, but even cooler when I know who the person is. It sort of testifies to how weird this world is that we live in that I can live in a place for about 2 and a half months and not know that my neighbor is someone I know (the good friend o' someone I gave guitar lessons to). Strange-o.

NaNoWriMo and Standard Time
Wow, yesterday, I was really un-excited to be doing NaNoWriMo this year, cuz I'm usin' it to finish a novel instead o' start a new one, but now I'm real jazzed. I wrote 3462 words so far and might write some more later on today. Wow, okay, man, cool. This was just the shot-in-the-arm I needed to finish this here novel I've been workin' on for about a year now. It's reallllllly nice, too, to have some escapism, cuz I can just escape into the story. And it's really nice to do something creative in who-knows-how-long-it's-been. I'm really happy that it's standard time now, too, cuz, like, I really like havin' that extra hour in the day, yesiree! NaNoWriMo goes hand in hand with standard time, and I have some really nice memories of that weekend last year when both happened around the same time. It made me happy.

Dull, Dry, Apathetic, Not Much of a Point
NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow, and I'm not as excited as usual cuz usually, I'm starting a brand new book, but this year, I'm just gonna use NaNoWriMo to finish the book I'm working on that got bogged down. Use the 1667 words/day - 50,000 words/month goal to force myself to finish it. I dunno, maybe it'll be more exciting than I'm thinking. I dunno, man. It's sort of hard to get excited about much these days, but I guess that's okay. The good thing is that, with any horrible part of your life, it'll eventually end cuz all things change, man. That's the fundamental and basic nature of existence in this universe, yesiree.

I went to a pre-Halloween party last night, dressed as Bella Swann. That was easy enuff cuz she and I dress really similarly, so I just put on my regular clothes. Me and my friend went to a store to get supplies for the party in costume, and it was funny how un-self-conscious I felt, going out in costume. I usually feel real self-conscious if I'm in public in costume. But, since it was my regular clothes, I wasn't.

I ain't been thinking of new idears for novels these days. Short stories, maybe, but not novels. I guess some o' those idears could be extended into novels if I beefed 'em up. I guess so, man. Saturday nites are weird if you don't have plans. I mean, like, I'm doing social stuff every day of this weekend, so it's funny to have that loneliness set in even though I did something with people last night and this morning, and have something planned for tomorrow, as well.

I'm only writing boring stuff here, I guess. I guess so. Yeah, wow. That's kind of cool, though, when you think about it. It's sort of a good exercise, because if I ever write a story or a novel with someone who has that sort of dry, apathetic type o' depression, it'll sound sort of like this. Sort of hum-drum and dull. But, then again, I dunno if anyone would really wanna read it.

I started reading a novel today, by a friend o' mine who got published. Man, she's really good! Really good at describing stuff that makes it feel like you're right there with the characters and the like. That's kind of cool. That's what a lot o' my writing lacks is that good description, but I took a writing class last year, and it taught me how to do that stuff, so that's a good thing.

Yep, this is sort of a dull entry, I guess. I guess so. At least my band's learning new songs. That's a good thing.

EPPP and Memory Lane
I'm taking a break from a dreaded E triple P practice test (licensing exam for people who wanna be clinical psychologists, and the like). I'm so brain dead, and numb that I'm starting to read the questions and not really know what I'm reading. Bleh. I'm so tired. Bleh, bleh, bleh. I cain't think of anything exciting or interesting to say here now. I bought 2 things of potato salad today as a treat for finally getting off my ass and starting to study for this stupid poopy test. About half the questions are totally unfamiliar to me (like, really? I know I have a degree in psychology, but it doesn't seem like it) and the other half is about stuff that I remember learning (getting flashbacks of Bryn Mawr, Dartmouth, and PGSP where I learned the stuff) but I've forgotten the exact information they're asking about. Those ones are a little heartening cuz it's like, yay! Here's something familiar and forgotten. It's kind of nice to have flashbacks to Dartmouth and Bryn Mawr, too. 2 schools in the land where there are seasons, actual seasons, with changing leaves and snow and everything. (Almost typed in "changing lives," maybe that, too).

Meditation Poopy Stuff
I think I've written this entry before, or something like it, but I'll write it again just in case I didn't write it the first time around.

I'm realizing more and more that there're lots of people for whom meditation does nothin'. Nothing at all, man! I talked to 3 of them in the last couple weeks. I feel like I'm one of them, too. And, it's funny, cuz the people for whom meditation is this amazing thing, they tell everyone else that they should try it and it'll fix all their problems and make 'em all wonderful and the like. But, the thing is, the only reason they think it'll work on everyone is cuz it works so well on themselves. Like all those self-help books you see in the bookstore, it's like, they all say "this'll change your life," but in reality, the thing the authors are talkin' 'bout changed their own lives, and will generally not work quite so well on other people. I think it's the same with meditation.

Don't get me wrong, mindfulness is kind of a cool thing, and there've been brief, shining moments when I can see the benefit, but for the most part, nothing. Then people say, you just gotta be patient with it. I say, dude, I've been patient with it, but after it not doing anything for a long time, you get tired of it, man. I think there's something else. There's something else, some other practice that hasn't been dreamed into existence yet, for those people for whom poopy meditation doesn't work, but none of us know what it is. It's almost like the flipside of a coin, you know, where one side of the coin is meditation/mindfulness for people who like that stuff, and the other side of the coin is something else for all of us for whom meditation doesn't do a damn thing.

Seriously, dude. It's like I get so grumpy when I hear over and over that meditation'll fix all my problems, when, look, dude, I've tried it, and I've tried it every day for long periods of time, and nothing happens. It's like they're tellin' you to play a game you always lose. And it's like, they say, oh just play this game you always lose, and don't get frustrated, and don't give up, even though you lose day after day after day. It's like they think you'll eventually win cuz they win at it. I think that's dumb. I dunno, man. I think there're other ways o' bein' a mystic, and I'm gonna try to find 'em. Hah. I'll probably fail.

Meditation seems like such an androcentric thing, anyway. It seems like the more feminine counterpart would involve nature or animals or something. But I could be full of shit.

2-ishness
Sometimes I wonder if 2-ishness is sorta an archetype. It seems like there're lots of pop culture thingies where you find 2 similar people that stick together a lot and they're off to the side. I think they're ususally best friends, and I wonder if there's something archetypal about it, since archetypes tend to show up a lot in pop culture. There's Ernie and Bert, both the Sesame Street ones and the original ones in It's a Wonderful Life. Then there's Geordi and Data on Star Trek: TNG. You got Sulu and Chekov on Star Trek: TOS. I think I'd thought of some others, too. There's Timmy and Bobby, but those are ones I've made up. I'm too tired to think of any others, though.

Bird
I don't have much to write about today, but sometimes it can be cool to just force yourself to write, and the like. I dunno, man. I dunno if much'll come outta this, though. Today, the trees told me to fly straight forward like a bird, and I liked that.

It's odd how many crows there are these days. I heard from someone that many, many crows is a sign of environmental badness happening all around. Down in LA there were lots of crows, and there're a bunch of them up north, and in the middle, too. They kept landing on the road in front of me when I was driving, and I'd slow down so I wouldn't hit them. I couldn't tell what they were landing in the road for becuase usually, you'd see something dead there, but I didn't. I dunno, man. Wow, this is a boring, random entry. But, I thought I'd post something when I was in a different mood than those other recent postings, and the like. Before my life got poopy and harsh, I'd had several animal dreams that seemed like something shamanic was happening. In one, me and my brother turned into hawks and ate chicken tikka masala up in a tree. In another one, a fox bit me because I was protecting one of my cats from it. Oh, wait, now I remember! I dreamed recently that this blue jay had this thing against one of my kitties and would keep dive bombing her. I held the kitty and let the bird get to within about an inch of her, like, not close enuff to peck her, but pretty close. I can't remember why I wanted to do that. I think it was to be mean to the bird.

Poop.
Wow, I thought my life couldn't get worse, but then a new really-bad thing has come up. Argh. It's so really-bad that I can't even let myself think about it that much or let myself even feel whatever my emotions are, bleh, bleh, bleh.

I should be doing work now, but I ain't. I almost typed "cain't," instead of "ain't," and maybe that's true, too. Maybe I cain't work. The stressful thing coming up at work is so stressful, especially since it's a problem without a solution that I can't solve, but have to somehow solve and it's like, ugh, so stressful that I get sick at my stomach every time I think about it. I can't even put a sentence together.

I want a job with no responsibilities whatsoever, that's right. I've found that I'm a really shitty boss, and I guess I'm okay with that. I've found out that I'm a really bad leader and a really bad boss, and I'm okay with being bad at something cuz it just means I won't do it in the future. That once this job's life-course has run its course, I'll not come back. It's just that I still have to stick it out for a good part of a year, and I fear that I'll lose my health and sanity, and that's not so good. It's not good to be in something that you feel like you might not survive. It's not a fun feeling. Because, like, if this job literally kills me, then it would have been a good idea to get out. But to get out means letting a lot of people down and feelin' like a failure, and that's not great either. It seems that there's no viable solution, so I'm waiting till my sanity completely disintegrates and that'll give me a good excuse to get the fuck out. The thing is, wow. That's not a great way to live, is it, man? Is it? And then there's the question of what else will I do? And I can't answer that, nosiree.

It would be nice if Jesus came down and told me what to do, but that never happens. People say it'll make me stronger, but I don't know about that. To see what I'm really bad at, and failing constantly, I don't feel like it's making me stronger. I feel like it's making me feel like shit about myself. Poop.

Hellish Realm
There were these shows in the '80s, I remember, that were about actual people. One was called "Real People," and the other was called "That's Incredible," I think. It was sort of like a talk show, maybe? Or maybe sort of like 60 Minutes, because it was about 3 or 4 vignettes per show, where they'd feature a person or set of people, and do all these interviews and the like. I don't know.

I remember on "That's Incredible," I think it was, there was this man. I think he'd been a bad person, and then he done a suicide attempt. Or did he die accidentally? I don't remember. Anyway, this man went down to Hell, but then he came back to life. It's funny that his version of Hell has stuck with me all these years, but I didn't even realize the extent to which it stuck with me until it re-surfaced recently.

The weird thing is, I probably don't remember his description at all. I probably remember my take on it, and all kinds of stuff I've layered on top of it. I remember it was cold-ish and dark-ish. It wasn't like those flamey places that you see in comic strips, with devils and pitch forks. It was this dim, cold place, and it was grainy, cuz of how dark places are grainy when there's not enough light. I think there were creatures, too, and I just remember everything having this indifferent feel to it. It was just like, you're disconnected from anyone and anything, in a cold, dim place, with these creatures.

See, I'm sure I'm not remembering it correctly. But, oddly, I'm there. That's where I am right now. It's the 7th level of Hell and I'm right there, and I don't really see a good solution for getting out of it.

See, there was a staff meeting I was at, about a year ago, and the whole time, I kept on almost falling asleep. It's like, I never fell asleep all the way, but when I started drifting off, I'd hear the dream-voices, and I'd be there, seeing these dreams happening. I realized it felt like the dreams were these on-going things, and I kept dipping my consciouness into 'em and then coming back out. But, even when I wasn't in them, even when I was awake, they were still happening, but in other parts of my mind that my consciousness doesn't have access to (unless it's asleep). I realized that we're dreaming all the time. And I kind of wonder if those dreams are actually things happening in shamanic realms. Like, maybe parts of our soul or psyche are immersed in shamanic realms that our dumb, limited egos don't have access to. Unless you're a shaman, maybe.

Anyway, that hell, that version of hell that that guy talked about on "That's Incredible"? That's where I'm at right now, and although the earthly manifestation of my existence looks like the job-from-hell, the shamanic counterpart is this cold, dark place with demons. And robots, maybe. It really sucks.

Worst Time? I dunno.
I keep on wondering if this is the fucked-up-est time of my life. I kinda think it might be, man. It's weird, cuz this might even top good old P, if you know who I mean, good old ex-boyfriend P, and I didn't think any time would top good old P. I keep tellin' myself just survive till March cuz then things might get a little easier, but that's a long ass time, oh dear lord. Sure, time flies, but it doesn't fly quite as fast if you're being tortured on a weekly basis. People keep a-sayin' that surviving this time'll make me stronger, but I wonder about that. Is it true that that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I don't think that's always the case. Sometimes that which doesn't kill you just gives you PTSD. Hah. I almost typed PGSP instead of PTSD. Maybe people with PTSD get stronger if they overcome it, but I dunno. I wouldn't wanna bother with PTSD or depression or anxiety or getting your soul sucked out if I didn't have to. None of those things are very fun, and I don't know if they really make you stronger. I think they just make you fucked up. I kept thinking "is the universe trying to make me stronger or is it trying to punish me?" Then I realized today that maybe the answer is that the universe doesn't give a shit either way, and bad things just randomly happen to people with no rhyme or reason. That makes a little more sense to me, but in a sorta senseless way.

That's too bad.
I haven't seen much of anything in the way of tweets or facebooks that say anything about those earthquakes that killed a bunch of people. But, then again, I haven't posted anything about 'em, either. Maybe nobody has much to say about 'em. That could be. I mean, it's like, what can you say? "Lotsa people died, that's pretty bad." Not much you can say cuz it's pretty obvious that it's a gosh-darn sucky situation for the people in those places. I mean, the ones that're already dead, well, hopefully they're in Heaven right now. And the ones who aren't dead are real sad about the ones who are. Then there're all those people buried under rubble, and they're not doing so well, either. I guess there's not much you can say about all that stuff that isn't really obvious. Like, well, too bad. That's too bad that all this stuff has happened.

Hell goes on forever.
My brother and I posted palindromes on our blogs within a week of each other (mine on my songblog). It's funny how at various times in your life, you think you've hit bottom, I mean, reached the lowest of the lows, but then as you go along, you discover that it gets lower and lower. Maybe there is no bottom. What looks like the bottom is just a trap door, and there're infinite trap doors underneath that go lower and lower. You just descend into lower levels of Hell forever. Maybe there is no limit to how much pain you can experience. I wonder.

Slacks and the Like
I keep on forgetting to post on this here blog. It's like, with the advent of Facebook and Twitter, I remember to do the li'l soundbyte length thingies, but forget to write in here. I really like this blog, cuz it has lotsa good memories attached to it. I don't want to forget how to write, either, cuz writing actual blog entries is nice for keeping in shape, writing-wise. There's so much crap I need 2 B doing right now, but I haven't done any of it, and I don't feel like doing any of it. I don't know what clothes to put on to go out and do the stuff I need to do cuz I might or might not be stopping by work to pick something up, and you need to be all professionally dressed to do that. Bleh. I don't feel like putting on dressy clothes right now. I'm sort of jealous of those Silicon Valley-types who wear jeans to work. All those Google-ish places, they like to have people wear stuff like jeans to work. But not in my line of work, nosiree. Maybe someday if I ever go into business, like start my own business, I can wear whatever I want, but even then, I'll probably wear slacks, and the like. Poop.

The Sad Part
I'm not being very productive today, although I got some stuff done I needed to do. I started reading Stephenie Meyer's book where it's Twilight, but it's from Edward's point of view. I guess she started writing it, and circulated it to a couple friends, and some asshole leaked it out onto the internet. So, she put what she'd written so far, at that point, on her website. I guess I'm not being very productive, cuz I started reading it. It's pretty cool, although I kind of wonder to what degree this new series'll keep people hooked, cuz lots of what keeps people hooked on a particular book is not knowing what's gonna happen next and reading to find out what's gonna happen next. In this case, you know everything that's gonna happen, basically, except it's from another person's point of view. Okay, I'm obsessing about the Twilight series. I dunno, it seems like that's what people do is obsess over it. I dunno. I'm not sure what it is, exactly, that hooks people in. Probably a combination of lots of different stuff, maybe. I'm sleepy. I might take a nap. I need to find another job so I can be working instead of taking naps and procrastinating about studying for the licensing exam. Bleh. I keep on getting all these sentimental memories of livin' down south, and then I get sad. I get really sad. This is the sad part of my life. Bleh. I wonder if I'll ever have a happy part again. It kind of sucks.

Drowning in Despair
I've been so stressed out lately that it feels like my head is gonna explode. Now, I'm finally getting depressed, and it's kind of a relief, cuz I could see it coming. I feel, these days, like I'm in Hell, sort of like one of those really low levels of it. It's like, there've been many times in my life where I felt like I was having a really hard time, but compared to now, those times feel like a warm, cozy paradise. It's like, despair is never that fun, but at least it's something real that I can hang on to, I guess. I just gotta make sure I don't cry in front of people here at work-poops. Poop.

Horrible Things
I so totally don't wanna be here today, but I'm hoping the horrible things I'm anticipating are not going to be as horrible as the anticipation of them. Argh.

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