enosdrive (enosdrive) wrote,

Sad, more sadness

It's the second to last night in my old apartment, oh my. Strange-o. This place has been my home for over 4 years now. It's the place where I wrote my graphic novel and everything. Dang, man. I decided to keep the stuff on the walls until the last possible fucking minute, so the place can still look like it's mine for as long as I can keep it that way. But I can tell the energy has already changed in here. When I got back from running errands and stuff today, I came in, and it felt different. Like, I've been attributing a lot of my different-feeling-feelings to my own weird internal processes. That's definitely a lot of it. That accounts for a large proportion of the variance. But, I realized, it's not just me that's making me feel weird. It's how it feels in here, too.

When I got here this afternoon after being out, I could tell the energy in here felt closed in. I feel like the apartment's sad that I'm leaving. Or nervous about who the next tenants will be. Or maybe the apartment is feeling something totally different from my little anthropomorphic interpretations and whatnot. It's strange. It looks the same (with the exception of boxes piled everywhere, a great deal less clutter, and no books on the shelves), but it feels different. It feels sort of like how my grandparents' house felt after all the furniture got moved out and it was getting ready to be sold. There's this closed in feeling, this tension, this tightness about the place.

I wonder what it's like to be an apartment. I mean, houses have people move in and out, too, but it's not as often. With apartments, there're new tenants every few years. It must be weird to have to get used to someone new, get all settled into that person's energy, and then have to up and get used to a whole new person.

When I first got here, there were ghosts in my bedroom. They came back on and off. I think the ghosts were annoyed that I did all these clearing rituals and whatnot to get rid of them. I wonder if the new tenant will be less aversive to these ghosts. Or maybe the ghosts have moved on and will leave this place alone, altogether. It doesn't feel like the ghosts are in my bedroom right now, no I don't think they're there right now. Unless they're just bein' more tricky about hiding themselves.

I'm trying to remember what it was like when I first moved in here. I know it took me a while to get used to this place. I remember being a little spooked out at night when I first got here, and one of the first nights I was here, the smoke detector fell off of the ceiling. And light bulbs kept on burning out real fast. That all seemed to calm down after a while.

I remember it was probably around November of 2009 that this place started feeling homey to me. See, I'd moved in in late August, and then in November, there was this friend o' mine who suggested that me and her and her sister all move in together to this really huge place they found on the east side of the bay. It was cool, that other place, but it also had creepy, dark energy. I finally decided to stay put here because I didn't wanna back outta my lease, and it might strain the friendship, anyway. Not to mention the creepy, dark energy.

When I came back here, after visiting that creepy-dark-energy place, it was like, oh man. See, at that point, I was still trying to decide whether to move out, and I realized, whoah, I actually like this place. The living room had this nice gold energy to it, y'know. Like, the contrast I felt between this place and that other place made me realize all-the-more just how nice it felt in here. That night, I started making macaroni and cheese, and the weather had turned cold, so I turned on the furnace. When I looked, well, it has this glass pane thingy on it, right? And behind it, behind that glass pane thingy, there were these big flames. At first I thought, whoah, is it supposed to look that way? But when I looked closer, I saw these glowing shapes inside it. They were little fake logs! They glowed when the furnace turned on, so it made it look like it was a little fireplace!

That made me sad cuz I was considering moving out at the time, and I was all, no, don't be all charming, apartment! Don't make me wanna stay! But I did decide to stay.

Man, what a wild couple years this has been. Like, I know my apartment complex has a lot of noise in it, from time to time, often coming from neighboring complexes. I know there're things that're not perfect, but at the same time, I'm really thankful for my little apartment. Thank you, little apartment, for being a home to me for these last 4 years. You've been a good friend. I hope your next tenants are really nice to you and have good energy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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