enosdrive (enosdrive) wrote,

G'Bye, Meditation, and Really Dumb Energy

I dreamed of saying goodbye to one of my grandpas. It was sad, but in the dream, even though I was sad and crying, I didn't feel like I was sad enough. It's weird when you dream about people that already passed on, but in the dream, they're getting ready to pass on. And in a sense, you know they're already gone, and somehow it sorta makes sense that they're already dead, but now they're alive again, and they're getting ready to get dead.

I wrote a profile in this professional marketing thingy at the encouragement of the place I work for. It's hard to write an advertisement about how wonderful you are when you have no mental energy. It's like, "whuh?" "Huh?" "Wait."

Okay, I've been promising myself that I'm gonna meditate 20 minutes 3x today all to add up to 60 minutes. So far I've done 0. Whoah, wow, way to go. That's great!!!!!!!! I figure, okay. The people at the place where I learned meditation basically insist that the type o' meditation they teach should be able to help me with the really-bad-thing. I dunno, man. I dunno, myself, cuz the really-bad-thing is still there after doing their type o' meditation for a year. And, yet, I have noticed some subtle shifts in the-very-bad-thing. Some loosening up of the badness and freeing up of the goodness. I'm impatient, though, cuz I need a lot more goodness. But then again, I haven't been very practice-y about that meditation. I haven't done it to the extent that I told myself I wanna do it today. I've done it in dribs and drabs, although sometimes more than that, too. I checked off 4 things on my to-do list. I guess that's good, too. I still feel like shit, though.

But they say you're not supposed to fight it when you feel like shit. You're supposed to accept the shitty feelings. It's just energy. It turns into a Jetsons' age star-ship, I suppose. Or some slimy-blob-thing. That's depression for ya. It shifts into all sorts of boring, dumb shapes when you take a closer look at it.
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