enosdrive (enosdrive) wrote,

A Blog Yes

I remember now; I keep on forgetting I have a blog. How strange is that? I don't know how strange it is. I've lost track of all time, and it's so odd to have such a fractured personality these days. How strange. I can't decide if a poltergeist is in my apartment, or if it was me that turned on the stereo and pushed play and then forgot about it.

I think I'd prefer the poltergeist because the other option means I might be crazy. I mean, not crazy in the traditional sense of the word, where one's grip on reality has completely flown out the window. I mean, no hallucinations of that kind of shit. But a level of dissocation where you can't remember doing stuff, yeah, that's more like, well, not crazy in the traditional sense of the word. It's crazy in the sense of um, uh, I don't know. And it's hard 4 me 2 decide what to do next.

Every Worst-Time-In-My-Life that's come along, I remember as not being as bad in retrospect as it was at the time it was happening. I think it's because eventually things got better, so I'm seein' those bad times from the perspective of a person who knows what was gonna happen next. It's really odd, you know. I just pray that there is a Better Thing That Happens Next. I'm praying really hard for that. Oh, my. It's hard for me to imagine, myself, but maybe whatever God I pray to can imagine it for me and make my prayers come true. It's hard for me to imagine, though. I dunno, man.

But if I do survive this, I'll be much better at being able to understand people who have PTSD.

No, I mean, there's stuff I can do about this situation, I know that. I mean, I'm not saying I'm helpless or anything like that. It's just that I'm having trouble deciding what to do. So I'm laying low and seeing if my mind gets clearer eventually, man. Clearmind. Clarity o' mind. And a big back yard with, perhaps, some chickens in it. That sounds good to me.
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