enosdrive (enosdrive) wrote,

Depressogenic Depressiveness

Now I feel all dumb because that last entry was not well-written, but I'm too lazy to go back and change it. All I want to do is take a nap right now. That's all I want to do. That's all I want to do at all these days is sleep and sleep and sleep some more. It makes me wonder if I should go see a doctor about it, but part of me doesn't care. Nope, no. It's annoying but part of me doesn't care. Maybe it's depression because depression can make you tired and not care.

The depression piece does sort of make sense. And I can see why I'd be depressed right now. And I am tryin' to make some changes in the spheres where if things changed, maybe my mood would improve. But I think sometimes you get to the point where you just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Wanting your life to be a certain way and having it not be that way totally fucking sucks. Having your life not look the way you wanted it to and not giving a fuck is a much better option. I think I'll stick with that option.

The I-don't-give-a-fuck option makes everything all tired and murky-brown, but it's a murky brown you can live with because it's everywhere. You're not wishing it could be pink anymore because you know that option is no longer available to you. So you just learn to sit in tired and murky brown and get used to the idea of it. Get used to the fact that things're not gonna get better because wanting them to be better never ever ever ever once did me even a teeny tiny little bit of good.

No, I'll sit in murky brown and just try to look at the stillness of it. And it doesn't matter, anyway, because even people with Barbie Doll Dream Houses of Desire lives are gonna end up in the same place as me ultimately. Dead. We're all gonna die.
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